Self-Reflection
Working on the first painting of a new, Disney-inspired series
In my favourite Disney animated film, Sleeping Beauty, Briar Rose says, “… if you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true.” All dreams-come-true start with a simple wish. The protagonist is then met with many challenges and obstacles before achieving their dreams, and they often come close to giving up. But it is the hope in their dreams that keep them believing and what ultimately pushes them to succeed. Likewise, I have gone through similar trials as an artist. Though, no matter what I have faced, there has always been that one goal resounding in my heart and mind: painting the fairy tales and fantasies of my dreams.
Yes, the dream to paint about fairy tales and carry on the legacy of my forebears has always been there—and for much longer than I originally thought. At times, my creative path has been hidden from me, and I have lost my way for a while. But I always found a way back somehow, and this cycle has taught me that an artist must fight for their art every day. Ashamedly, I confess that, over the years, anxiety, grief, and depression that stemmed from abuse and periods of immense loss have taken hold and played a large role in nearly blocking me from my creativity. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized my dream has been with me all along and has never left, even during those times of deepest doubt.
Sifting through some of my old sketchbooks, I began to see a pattern about myself developing within my drawings and collection of writings. Symbols and images that I have been working with lately suddenly appeared before me as if I had just drawn them yesterday. To my surprise, these sketches were dated back up to eleven years ago! Reading further into my past self, I gained insight into what lead me astray and how fairy tales played a symbolic role in processing my healing. In this moment of discovery, I felt closer to my dream than I ever have before. But I also felt embarrassed and disheartened. How could I have let so many years pass me by and not pursue what it was that I wanted to paint? Why did I let these things stop me from chasing my dreams for all that time?
The ideas I had scribbled down in the margins of my ten-year-old sketchbooks were the same thoughts that I have now, and my past self was trying to teach me one incredible thing: if you dream a wish more than once, it must be true! In that case, I told myself, I am done waiting and I am ready to create the life I have always dreamed. Fear, anxiety, and the past be damned! There is no use in overthinking about the “whys” of all the times I have wasted on painting meaningless art or even not painting at all. No, the best gift that I can give myself now is to take this realization, forgive myself, and start right where I am. I owe it to my past self who struggled to find her voice, to my present self who has fought so hard to be here in this moment, and to the bright future that I have always dreamed of shaping. Once there was an imaginative girl who believed in the transformative magic of fairy tales… The art I am finally making now is for her, and for all others like her.
“When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable.”